woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
