When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
