Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I believe in your delicious
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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