I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Is it penis luge time yet?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
