3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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