im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
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