No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
