my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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