I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Will exercising make me less horny?
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
