Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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