So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
