I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
