If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I'm bleeding and have questions
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
