I murdered the dance floor call the cops
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
