I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize