He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
