I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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