i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.