I feel like abortions should bother me more
My cat gives me a boner
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
