My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
