I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
