Hey man sorry I got all grabby
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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