She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
