Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
