I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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