she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Randomize
