Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
