I hate your face
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
