he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Randomize
