need another drink. this is the easiest way
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
