my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize
