my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
