Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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