"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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