Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Randomize
