Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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