Define "chronic" masturbator.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
