Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
