At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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