my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
