I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
