you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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