Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
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