Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
