both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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