wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
