i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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