i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
