your thong is hanging out like whoa
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
