why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
