you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
