You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
