I don't usually arrange sex via text message
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
You are the jesus of drinking
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
