at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
