why didn't you poke me back
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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