I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
